Cocky's Cawr
(The Black Ile)
By Bobby Rogerson
THERE WAS A LAD WAS BORN IN KYLE,
WHA HAD A CAUR WI' MUCKY ILE'
YE WAD BE RICHT TAE MAK' ASSUMPTION
THAT HE'S NO BLESSED WI' MUCKLE GUMPTION;
HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE HE WENT SAFT ON
A FITBA' TEAM THEY CA' GLENAFTON.
THE WHITEFORDS O' NEW CUMNOCK TOON
ARE AFT AFFECTED BY THE MOON,
AN' WHEN IT'S IN THE WAXIN' PHASE,
SOMETIMES GAE WONKY WI' SOME CRAZE
LIKE SCRATCHIN' ROOND AMANG THE GLAUR,
AN' CHANGIN' "ILE" ABLOW THE CAUR
LIKE MONY ANITHER COUNTRY SWAIN,
JOHN WIS POSSESSED O' A HUMAN BRAIN;
AN' THOUGH YE HARDLY COULD JALOUSE IT,
HE'S EVEN LEARNED, AT TIMES, TAE USE IT.
AN' SAE IT WIS THE LAD'S INTENT
TAE FAVOUR THE ENVIRONMENT.
JOHN TOOK YON CAUR AN' DROVE FOR MILES
"BY MOSSES, WATERS, SLAPS AN' STILES "
TILL, WHEN HE'D DRIVEN FAUR ENOUGH,
HE PARKED THE CAUR ATHWART A SHEUGH.
THE ENGINE SUMP WIS FINE AN' WARM,
THE DRAIN PLUG WORKED JIST LIKE A CHARM!
BUT OCH!---THE PLAN WENT OOT O' KILTER
WHEN JOCKIE WENT TAE CHANGE THE FILTER;
HE HEAVED AN' HAULED WI' A' HIS MICHT,
THE FRIGGIN' THING WIS SIEZED UP TICHT
BUT JOHN, BEING ONYTHING BUT THICK,
CAM' UP WI' QUITE A CLEVER TRICK.
OOR COCKY, HE WIS WANT TAE USE
A SCREWDRIVER FOR MAIR THAN SCREWS;
HE HEMMERED IT, TAE MAK' A HOLE,
THEN USED IT AS YE WAD A POLE,
AND SPAN YON FILTER ROOND AN' ROOND,
TILL IT FELL AFF UPON THE GROUND!
HE STOOD UP, CLAPPIT DOON HIS HAIR,
DELVED IN THE BOOT, PRODUCED A SPARE;
FELT FOR THE THREAD ABLOW THE BUNNET,
AN' TRIED TAE FIT THE FILTER ON IT;
TRIED AN' TRIED WI' DEEPENIN' GLOOM,
A FEELIN' OF' IMPENDIN' DOOM!
AT LAST THE HORRID REALISATION
BROUGHT FORTH AN EPITHET--"DAMNATION!!"
"FLUNKIN' BLASKET---HOLY SHIT!
"THE FLAMIN' FILTER DISNAE FIT"!!!
TEN SCORE O' SHEEP WERE SEEN TAE SCATTER,
PUIR JOHN WIS MAKIN' SIC A CLATTER!
THE LAD SAT DOON--HE TORE HIS HAIR
[HE HADNAE MUCH O' THAT TAE SPARE]
PUIR COCKY, HE WIS NEAR TAE TEARS,
HE HADNAE HIKED SAE FAUR IN YEARS!
WHEN HE WON HAME, HE KICKED THE DUG,
COLLAPSED EXHAUSTED OAN THE RUG.
[SAE KEEP THE HEID, AN' NEVER PANIC,
AN' LEAVE IT TAE A REAL MECHANIC;
OR JIST LIKE JOHN, YE'LL FEEL A "STOATIR",
'WAY UP THE CREEK WITHOOT A "MOATIR";
RESIST THE URGE TAE GO TOO FAUR
---REMEMBER COCKY WHITEFORD'S CAUR!!!]
|